One of the things I like to do around New Year is look over my journal entries.
2014 included one that said:
I’m so angry at myself, and it’s coming out in things like the food I eat, how well I care for myself… I knew that poking my nose into gender stuff was dangerous and did it anyway, and now look where it’s gotten me. Back to square fucking one on the body image front and no real gender identity to show for it.
That was back in May. The rest of the year has been so busy and stressful that I haven’t had much time to work on all this.
I don’t know what to make of this last year, in a lot of ways. I still don’t understand gender. I did finally figure out that my mother’s perpetual gaslighting is probably at least part of why I don’t feel like I can accurately determine my own gender (if my judgement is suspect for things like my own feelings and memories, which she informed me was the case, how do I figure out my gender?).
A friend post this on Facebook, and it resonated with me do much. My body is fat, almost always in pain thanks to chronic health issues, weak, and hard to find clothes for, and people look at it and assume I’m a woman. I used to have a certain amount of body acceptance, and I’ve lost even that – body love? Not so much.
I hope 2015 can be the year I make peace with my body. I guess we’ll see.