New Year

One of the things I like to do around New Year is look over my journal entries.

2014 included one that said:

I’m so angry at myself, and it’s coming out in things like the food I eat, how well I care for myself… I knew that poking my nose into gender stuff was dangerous and did it anyway, and now look where it’s gotten me. Back to square fucking one on the body image front and no real gender identity to show for it.

That was back in May. The rest of the year has been so busy and stressful that I haven’t had much time to work on all this.

I don’t know what to make of this last year, in a lot of ways. I still don’t understand gender. I did finally figure out that my mother’s perpetual gaslighting is probably at least part of why I don’t feel like I can accurately determine my own gender (if my judgement is suspect for things like my own feelings and memories, which she informed me was the case, how do I figure out my gender?).

A friend post this on Facebook, and it resonated with me do much. My body is fat, almost always in pain thanks to chronic health issues, weak, and hard to find clothes for, and people look at it and assume I’m a woman. I used to have a certain amount of body acceptance, and I’ve lost even that – body love? Not so much.

I hope 2015 can be the year I make peace with my body. I guess we’ll see.

Frustration

One of the frustrating things about the poking-at-gender stuff I’ve been doing over the last few years is that it has completely destroyed the positive attitude I once had toward my body. 

Not only that, but now it’s made it impossible to find new tools to help me love my body again. I can’t use things aimed at women because they’re aimed at women and thus are inherently alienating to me.

Worse, 99.9% of the androgynous/genderqueer/moc/etc images I see on places like Tumblr are thin, willowy, beautiful people, not chunky, clunky, unusual people like me. The closest I get is a handful of butch images floating around where the butches in question are heavyset/fat. But even those don’t feel too helpful, since I’m not butch. I don’t identify as a lesbian and am not sexually interested in women. 

Ugh.

I’m having a rough morning, both physically and mentally.